Always Avoid Yellow Snow…And Government Waste.
Washington may love to toy around with the taxpayers, but it never toys around with a snow day. The whole city is practically shut down, bracing for the impact of polar vortex, round two.
But not this troll. I’m not letting a little snow get in the way of my quest for budget solutions. To be honest, I wish I could enjoy this day off too… But since my favorite brunch location is closed due to inclement weather, I’m might as well spend the day getting ahead of the curve and finding new areas for Washington to cut spending. Besides, I was born with a built-in snow suit (hello, troll fur).
I found a few items of waste this morning that stuck out more than yellow snow. For starters, the fact that we’re able to track almost $200 billion in questionable spending should be a giant red flag. Not to mention the newly minted omnibus spending bill, that has more pork in it than I care to discuss (but that you can read more about here).
In the future, snow days would really work best if they could freeze government spending, along with freezing the streets. But, until Mother Nature works that out for me, I’ll be busy solving our budget crisis while these lame lawmakers and bureaucrats are snuggled up in their onesies sipping hot cocoa (I’m looking at you, pajama boy).
Stay warm out there!
1:17 pm • 21 January 2014
I Hate Being Toyed With
I haven’t lived in the District for very long, but I’ve already been here long enough to see Washington drop the ball on yet another shot at reducing spending (Go figure).
Don’t get me wrong, I recognize the accomplishment in Washington actually passing some semblance of a budget. Bravo, leaders!
But let’s get real. This “compromise” came in the form of a $1 trillion omnibus spending bill that contains its fair share of my LEAST favorite variety of pork. Don’t believe me? Let’s take a look at some of the junk food that found its way into this bill (all courtesy of the smart folks at Bankrupting America):
1. $54,000,000 For Government Employees To Combat Wood And Tree Pests (Pg. 18)
Really, Washington? You don’t need to combat tree pests — I’ll eat them for you, for free!
2. Up to $90,000 For The Vice President’s Entertainment Expenses (Pg. 479)
Oh, Joe. Don’t worry, I get it. I’m a troll-about-town as well. But rein it in, buddy. No one needs this much entertainment.
3. $146,021,000 For The National Endowment For The Arts (Pg. 821)
No need to spend all of this; I could inspire the masses with my own artwork.
4. $600,000,000 For TIGER Grants For Transportation Infrastructure Projects (Pg. 1410)
It’s hard for me to say no to money for bridges. But, with a $17 trillion national debt, even trolls like me need to make sacrifices.
As if the waste in the omnibus bill wasn’t enough, it turns out the federal government blew $101.3 billion in 2012 alone making improper payments across 13 different programs. That’s like finding $101.3 billion that you lost in your couch cushions. So let’s ditch the “cupboard is bare” act and admit the fact that there is plenty of wasteful spending to cut. That’d be a real budget deal.
If you agree, follow me on Twitter and start tweeting your grievances using #DontToy!
9:57 am • 17 January 2014
I may look happy in this picture, but don’t let my demeanor fool you. I spent last night drowning my sorrows over the so-called “budget deal” agreed to by Senator Patty Murray & Representative Paul Ryan yesterday.
I’m working up some letters so that I can fully express my disappointment, but in the meantime, just know this:
There is a spending problem in Washington that will never be solved with short-term fixes like what was proposed last night.
(Also, my friends at Public Notice made some good points in their press release last night. You should check it out in the meantime.)
It’s clear to me that leaders in Washington need my help, now more than ever! So don’t worry, folks. I’m back to the grind this morning, plotting my next move to ensure I’m swiftly snatched up by an obviously needy Senator or Congressman. (Do yourself a favor and check out my resume.)
Mark my words — I’ll solve this crisis faster than you can say “Budget Troll.”
So, who wants me on their team? Please, not all at once.
Yours in real fiscal solutions,
2:15 pm • 11 December 2013
Had the BEST time at Politics and Pints last night. Big thanks to The Fix for putting on such a perfect networking event.
Sadly, I didn’t get to stay long enough to dominate in Troll Trivia, but I did get to meet Byron Tau from Politico. So, I’ll consider the night a win.
12:23 pm • 10 December 2013
Ted’s Bulletin gets it. Awesome.
My new favorite place, for sure.
10:54 am • 9 December 2013
Just a typical day in the life. Pink Floyd’s “Money” always sets the mood for a day of Budget Trolling!
10:31 am • 9 December 2013
My Yelp Review of Tortilla Coast:
"Surprised to find anything in Washington delivered on time and under budget… even if it was just delicious burritos.
Staff did not take kindly to consumption of delicious metal silverware as after-lunch snack.
Suspect they receive few troll customers.
2:48 pm • 6 December 2013
I hit up Tortilla Coast yesterday during a networking session on the Hill. Word on the street is this place is the best for back room politicking.
Encouraging Rep. Paul Ryan & Sen. Patty Murray to meet me here before budget deadline. They can’t say no to my brilliant ideas.
I’ll have a job in no time.
11:40 am • 6 December 2013
Went house-hunting in DC today. This place was my favorite!
Still looking for some roomies, though. Anyone game? I posted a CraigsList ad, so let me know!
5:00 pm • 5 December 2013 • 2 notes
Managed to fit in a great networking session this morning at Cap South. The Hill staffers clearly loved me. A sweet internship is definitely in my future… I can feel it!
4:39 pm • 5 December 2013